The Twelve Days of Christmas part Six.

"On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."

"Six Geese a-laying, some more gold rings for Sonic and further feathered cannon fodder for the war!"

"This is Lufty Van Arsewinkle, reporting for RSPB news. There has been a grim discovery today; a mass grave of Geese a-laying down dead. In total, six bodies were recovered which tells further stories of the terror that has befallen the Pear Tree. We can only hope that these war atrocities will not go unanswered. In the coming days, we hope to...."

 "SHIT!!!!"

"This is Wing Commander Tarkin, all birds FIRE AT WILL!!"

The Twelve Days of Christmas part five.

"On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."

"Five gold rings and a bunch of shit she already gave me the other four days!"

Meanwhile on Planet Mobius...

"Five measly gold rings? Are you fucking kidding me? At this rate I'll have to save up and see if i have enough to get an extra life in the January sales!"

"And i wish you'd get an Xbox, you look ridiculous." 

 

The Twelve Days of Christmas part Four.

"On the fourth day of christmas, my true love gave to me..."

"Four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree!"

"Good evening, I'm Lufty Van Arsewinkle reporting live behind enemy lines for RSPB news. After a further day of intense fighting, the turtle doves and partridges have brought in more reinforcements to try and gain control of the pear tree. 3 french hens battalion are severely overwhelmed and are conceding heavy casualties as they attempt to resolve the conflict. Just hours ago, my colleagues and I came under heavy fire from a turtle dove bombing squadron, and unfortunately a member of the film crew got a bit of shit on his shoulder. We will bring you more top stories as they come in. Lufty Van Arsewinkle, reporting for RSPB news."


Oh, and here's the four calling birds:

  "SANDRA!! Where are you?! We're off to the takeaway now!!"

The Twelve Days of Christmas part three.

"On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."

"Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves and a Patridge in a Pear tree!"

 "Dave just text me, he'll be 15 mins late." 

So, as the Battle of the Pear tree rages on, Three French Hens battallion of the UN peace keeping force are brought in to try and resolve the conflict. Now despite their name, these are no ordinary birds! The average male of the species has a cock that weighs, wait for it, up to 5kg (check out the table half way down this page.)

We'll keep you updated on the latest news as it comes in.

The Twelve Days of Christmas part two.

"On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."

"Two Turtle Doves and a Patridge in a Pear tree!"

"You seen a Partridge around here?"

WAR! 

What sort of a nutter would give you a partridge in a pear tree one day, only to give you yet another one the next day, complete with two turtle doves? You're just asking for trouble.

Both factions would be vying to control the pear tree which would set the scene for many years of bloody conflict. Are the pears even worth dying for?

The twelve days of Christmas Part one.

"On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."

"A Partridge in a pear tree!"

"Get out of my fucking tree Coogan!"

Advantages of receiving such a gift:

1) Your faithful Partridge will fend off any ninjas attempting to steal your pears.

2) Any visitors to your pear tree are met with a warm Partridge welcome.

3) Your Partridge will never feel lonely due to its fruity companions.

4) Your Partridge will have a constant supply of food.

5) You won't have to tell the guys at work that you got socks and a Celine Dion CD for christmas.

WE'RE ALL DOOMED!

Good day to you all, i'm sure you've all got smashing blouses on. The following post is recycled from my old website so i've blown the dust away and repaired its dog eared edges.

What? I'm allowed to do that!

Sorry to drop a shitter on you all, but this is the beginning of your last year on Planet Earth, apparently. The end of the world should already have happened however, thanks to the ramblings of Absinthe soaked idiots from centuries past. So, how can we be so sure that this time around we will actually go bye bye? Lets look at some of the possibilities:
 
1) The sun

Over the past 10 years, scientists have been concerned by the fact that our old buddy, the sun, has been very quiet. Now, how an unbelievably massive nuclear fusion reactor can go quiet, i have no fucking idea. There has been less 'sun spots' present, but you ask any adolescent and an absence of spots is great. Anyway, i digress.
So, its understood that the sun is actually building up to something big (think of Ryu charging up his Hadouken) and it will go apeshit crazy late in 2012.
Think of the massive solar flares that knocked out satellites and fried the national grid earlier this year. What? that didn't actually happen? i thought they said it would? Oh well anyway the sun is going to give us that, plus 50% more which will cause:

1) Powerlines to overload and start fires all over the world.

2) World wide communications to be knocked out and smaller infrastructures to have no air conditioning
.
3) Satellites to come out of orbit and start falling to earth.

4) It will also get a bit warmer.

Think of the bit at the beginning of Terminator 2:

 Wish you brought the sun block now don't you?

And then thats when the machines will take over the world! Haha, im just kidding. You're all still fucked though.

Rational Interdiction:

The life cycle of the sun is about the same as Joan Rivers, 10 billion years, and it's roughly only half the way through that according to astronomers. There is no chance of it just exploding for no reason at all and its been said that the sun is not on schedule anyway; the solar storms will probably come in and around 2014. Don't start racking up the £10,000 debts just yet.


2) Direct collision with Planet x

Thats right, you heard me! About 10 years ago, a woman claimed to have been given the co-ordinates of an unknown planet commonly referred to as 'Planet X' but also known as 'Nibiru' which is on a collision course with Earth! Fuckbeans!

Nancy Lieder claims to have been contacted by an alien race, the Zetas, who have put an implant in her brain and tell her crazy shit from time to time.

 
 Nancy was told by the Zetas that Planet X was due to pass by Earth in 2003, very, very closely. Now apparently Planet X is roughly four times the size of the Earth and a pass by at such a proximity would cause the Earths rotation to stop for almost a week! This would lead to the Earth suffering from a 'Pole shift' .."caused by magnetic attraction between the Earth's core and the magnetism of the passing planet".
This would totally fuck up the Earths magnetic core and cause the continents to be disrupted which would lead to the destruction of humanity. Think of when you order a pizza and when its delivered, the fucking idiot of a delivery guy has left your 'Pork Supreme' on the back seat at an angle and the topping has fallen off.

Obviously this didn't happen.

So Planet X is now a bit miffed that it was late and has decided to crash into us totally, annihilating all of humankind and also David Cameron. Due to the total size difference we'll probably just splat on the face of it like a bug on the windscreen of a car.


Rational Interdiction:

What sort of a fucking 'Planet' has the ability to fly through space and time to any solar system it wants? And even if it were true, you'd be able to look up at the night sky and see a giant sphere of doom hurtling towards us. Oh sorry Nancy, does it have a cloaking device too? Is that why we can't see it? Lets face it, Nancy Lieder is the sort of woman you'd find at a supermarket dairy aisle shouting at the cheese.


3) So what, you dick? Nostradamus predicted it too!

Oh yes! Nostradamus also predicted Planet X ..."From the sky will come a great King of Terror". I am in no way suggesting that Nancy Lieder was influenced in anyway by this. However, Nostradamus predicted the 'Pole shift' theory which won't totally destroy mankind but it will bring about the beginning of world war 3, with China being the superpower anRational Interdiction!!!:

Shut the fuck up with the Nostradumbass bullshit! Sorry to cut this one short, but i've always wanted a chance to wade into this guy.
So, five hundred years ago some French "Doctor" started fucking about with drugs to "protect against the plague", his wife and child then die from the plague, so then he realises he needs a career change because he's shit at what he does. Thats fine, we all need a change, change is good. But to then claim that you're a Seer and to start writing books full of so called prophecies is a bridge too far my friend.
You can even have a go at being a modern day Nostradamus yourself, just write a short paragraph of utter bollocks, leave it in the attic in a dusty old chest and in years to come someone will stumble across it and think they've discovered ancient writings of a long gone prophet. Here is my prophecy:
 

And in the north the great beast will awaken,
he will stumble upon vast riches in the east.
Fire will rain down from the skies,
and er.... etc.

Something will happen many years from now that will vaguely resemble that, if you're drunk, and i shall be proclaimed a phophet. Its kind of like another book that was written a long time ago that millions of people all over the world beleive in nowadays, but we won't go into that right now.


4) The Large Hadron Collider

Built by the European Organisation for Nuclear Research or CERN, the Large Hadron Collider (LHC for short) lies in an underground tunnel that is 27Km in circumference somewhere near Geneva. I don't profess to know much about the advanced theories of physics, but this thing collides particles at near the speed of light so we can understand how they react with eachother, or some shit like that.
Its been argued that all sorts of bad Juju could happen with this, especially when you look at the fact that 9 days after it first came online, operations were halted due to a "serious fault". Don't mess about with stuff like this if it can go wrong!!
One theory is that there is a slight chance that a mini black hole may form underneath the Earths surface. What could be bad about that i hear you ask? Let me reiterate "a mini black hole may form underneath the Earths surface"!! The Earth and its entire contents would be compacted down to the size of a football.

 A football could represent an actual size model of the Earth if this happened.

Also known as a "soccer" ball for our American friends.

There is also a slight chance that a portal to another dimension could be opened, thus allowing extra-dimensional demons to pour out of it and kick the living shit out of us all. Plus the fact that all the lost souls will also spew forth upon the world and inhabit the corpses of the recently deceased which will cause a zombie outbreak. This right here is the moment i have been waiting for ALL MY LIFE. Ever played Doom? NO? well i suggest you get on it right now and get some practice in so at least you've got a fighting chance when the legions of hell come for you.

Rational Interdiction:

No, he's right actually. Be afraid.


5) The Mayans reckon it will.

The Mayans were an ancient and intellgent race that are the main basis for why people are convinced that the world will end in 2012. Its said that their calendar goes no further than 2012 and this suggests that the world will end in December of that year.
There is a graphic that was created by the Mayans called the "Dresden Codex"  which is dated circa 1100 that depicts an earth destroyed by floods and crazy shit like that.

This is a part of the Dresden Codex:

Artists impression.

However there is still no solid evidence of how the Mayans thought the world would end, just the fact that "it will, so there."
The really bad news then is the fact that it could actually be any of the above or infact a mixture of them all. It would be the biggest disaster since the Batman movie franchise was handed over to Joel Schumacher.
 
Rational Interdiction:

Oh no! The calendar ends in December 2012 LIKE EVERY OTHER FUCKING CALENDAR OUT THERE. This is why there will be a calendar starting from January 2013 waiting in the shop for you to buy, which is why calendar making is and always has been, a very successful business model.
There was no reason for the Mayans to have calendars that went this far into the future because they're all fucking dead now.

The world won't end in 2012, we're just not that lucky.

Mmmmmmmmmmm Pie.

The following blog post is brought to you by:

Pie. One of the greatest inventions EVER. Fuck cures for diseases or space exploration, Pie is where its at people! Originally created by Thor himself, the idea came from thinking of ways to successfully preserve and store food for long journeys, like when he was going all the way from Midgard to Asgard. Or some shit like that.

"I fucking love pie me."

So anyway, this weekend i was in Skipton, North Yorkshire, and i was tasked with trying pies from two famous pie shops to give a verdict on who did the best Pork Pie. Yeah, i know, i get all the shit jobs. Because i'm such a funny bastard, i said i could possibly compile my results in a "pie-chart": 

Pie even makes Pac Man die.

Now i'm no food critic and i reckon even if i did try to right a review, it'd be boring as hell. So instead i'll compare the two and score them on a Star Wars episode scale. I could have just got them to fight, like Harry Hill does, but i'd rather just nom them.

Contender: Skipton Farmhouse Fare Ltd.

These guys are apparently the Supreme champions of the great northern pork pie competition 2010! Ok glossy balls, lets see what you got!:

Appearance: Attack of the clones

Pastry: A new hope

Texture: The phantom menace

Taste: Revenge of the Sith

Contender: The Celebrated Pork Pie Establishment

The only reason we found this place is the fact that there were shit loads of people stood outside. It was just like Batman hiding in the rafters, waiting to throw a Bat-pie at your face:

Appearance: Revenge of the Sith

Pastry: A new hope

Texture: Return of the Jedi

Taste: The empire strikes back

Well, its kind of a land slide victory there. Everyone knows that The Phantom Menace sucks donkey balls.

"I declare The Celebrated Pork Pie Establishment the Winner! Now if you'll excuse me i shall return to the 'bark' side. I hate my life."

Morgan.

Fat Thor borrowed from here.

In space... no one can hear you [insert word expressing mild peril here]

Grettings earthlings!

This week the smaller, gormless, geekier brother of space exploration agencies, the ESA (European Space Agency) announced that the Russian "Phobos-Grunt" (really?) space probe that was destined for Mars is a mission failure and got no further than the ceiling of an average Swallow. A European one.

This very same week, NASA (all together now, USA! USA! USA!) have been making the final preparations for their 'Mars Science Laboratory' which i must say, looks and sounds AWESOME.

It even looks Gangsta in the press images:

"Who then now, Bitches?!"

Now i'm not gonna bore you with specs and techno babble but what i will say is that amongst its awesome features, this thing comes with a laser beam for vaporising material SEVEN METRES AWAY. Yes, thats right, a fucking laser beam! AND! What i think is the coolest thing is that the MSL will land on Mars via a 'sky crane'. For those of you that don't know what this is, the closest way i can describe it to you (or rather, the way i want to think of it) is like a Pelican dropping a Warthog into a battlezone:

"Oh and make sure you take some soil samples and do some 

science shit BEFORE you start shooting the place up!"

Of course the fact of the matter is that there's more chance of finding life on mars than there is of Simon Cowell finding some clothes that fit him correctly. Think of it this way, if marauding robotic contraptions came from another planet and started patrolling the streets, taking samples of dog shit and photographing the floor, would you be out in public seeing if you can get in one of the shots? Hell no.

Now, don't get me wrong, i'm not one of those ignorant fuckers who thinks that Humans are the only intelligent race in the Universe, i'm sure you'll agree ability and thought are two different things entirely. There's fucking things living between our toes that have more intelligence. I'm just saying that Captain Zorg won't hang around for a photo opportunity. 

There is of course the mystery of the British led Beagle 2 mission to mars, which having successfully ejected from its carrier ship, the Mars Express, then vanished without contact. Wouldn't it be cool if it came back complete with a tan and a jar of Martian humbugs?

Morgan.

Rage mode.

Now i can be a really happy go lucky kinda guy, without pretty much a care in the world. Let me explain further through the medium of a pie chart:

 

 

 Ah shit, i didn't think the results would come back like that. Well yeah, ok i guess i can be a bit of a hot head at times. But doesn't everyone get a little pissed off sometimes? That fucking moron that pushed in front of you in the sandwich shop on your lunch hour? All he's done is add an extra say, 30 seconds to your wait time? maybe even a minute? But its the principal of things! You were there first! The thing with me is that i think rage is much like a naturally occuring mineral.

 

"Fuck you, Potassium!"

  

 

 

And i'm sure i'm not the only one with the patience of a really pissed off saint. But how far can you let it take you? One minute you're in McDonalds being told its past 11am and you can't have a sausage Mcmuffin, the next minute you're waking up in the middle of a forest, with someone elses blood on your hands, miles away from home and not knowing how the hell you got there.

"I want a Hashbrown! NOW!"

 

Obviously its not good for your health to be in a constant state of arsed-off-ness. It can lead to things like high blood pressure, sleeping problems, sweating, loss of appetite and basically turning you into Emperor Palpatine. Do you want to wake up one morning realising that you've enslaved most of the galaxy, killed all your friends, everyone hates you and you have really fucked up skin? No, me neither.

 

 

So, what can be learned from this? Next time someone pisses you off, take it in your stride and count to ten. You know what 'they' say, "Life's too short!". Yeah well my temper is too short and who the fuck are 'they' anyway? It takes less muscles to smile than it does to beat the crap out of someone with a piece of iron rebar, or some shit like that. Well, 'they' say we need to get more excercise nowadays don't they?


Happy shiny Morgan.

The top 5 reasons why we..... OMG! ITS A ZOMBIE!!

Aha! So you've been instantly put on the back foot. There you were, expecting to read yet another tired example of "list based" comedy and what happens? A zombie puts a brick through your living room window. Yes, that’s right, a fucking zombie.

So, how will this pan out? First of all you're at a disadvantage, sat there in your favourite spot relaxing, the last thing you were expecting was the Undead paying you a visit on a lazy Sunday afternoon; unless of course you're a Texan and always poised at the window with a hunting rifle.

 What’s the first thing you have to hand? Hot cup of coffee?

"How about some nescafe, undead fiend?!"

 

"Urrrrrrrrggggghhhhhh......"

That wasn't the sound of him not enjoying some smooth roast, he wants juice instead. Your brain juice!

Unfortunately our maggot ridden friend doesn't seem the least bit concerned about the new stain on his suit, so what the hell are you going to do now? Yes! You've spotted the mirror on the wall! Now smash the mirror over the zombies head, hope that bad luck thinks the zombie smashed it and in turn causes the zombie to get bad luck so he then trips over the rug and smashes his brains all over the fire place! It's an infallible idea!

What? You've done that and he's still shuffling towards you? Fuck.

Ok so now then, you must run for the door leading upstairs, close it behind you and then barricade it with a bookcase behind it. It opens outwards?? Shit, sorry i'm panicking now.

Lets take a step back and analyse the situation. You're being attacked in your own home by a Zombie. You could try calling the Police but obviously when the undead are present, all phone lines mysteriously don't work anymore. How about you put on the movie "Land of the Dead" and hope the zombie goes and attacks George A. Romero for making it instead? You threw it away? Ok, yeah that’s understandable. Run upstairs anyway and review your options!

So now you're upstairs, i recommend going to the bathroom and looking for a can of "Zombie-be-gone" under the sink. Alright, alright this is no time for jokes, i get it!

The zombie has now moved to the foot of the stairs and he's making his way up so i suggest that you find things to throw down the stairs at him to slow him down until the army comes to save you. Yeah, they will come, i promise...

After the volley of hygene products and dirty washing, the zombie is now at the top of the stairs, with a "Goonies" t-shirt on his shoulder and a piece of your underwear on his face.

This isn't going very well is it? Well think again buster! There's a can of deodorant on the shelf and a lighter in your pocket. Remember when you used to recreate a napalm attack with the toy soldiers when you were younger? That's right, let the motherfucker burn!!!

 

So not only do you have a zombie coming for you, but you now have a fucking flaming zombie coming for you. Ok, put him out again with some toilet water.

You've played Resident Evil right? You can just simply run around him in a circle and escape back down the stairs and out the front door! If Leon can run circles around multiple zombies, so can you! Go for it!!

SO..... You're now back downstairs and nursing a pretty severe injury to your forearm from when the zombie grabbed you as you tried to run around him. I don't mean to put a downer on your already pretty shitty day, but you see your new family member coming down the stairs there? Yeah. Within 18 to 24 hours (depending on whether you're already a bit slow) you will unfortunately join the ranks of the undead. So you may as well end the suffering now and take your own life rather than be still concious when he eventually gets to you and starts to chow down.

Look at the positives:

1) No more bills to pay.
2) Crash course dieting.
3) No more need to take a shower.
4) No more queueing - everyone runs in terror.
5) Its always "All you can eat" for free at the shopping centre.

Well, i guess its not that bad after all, you should be glad that he decided to come round to see you. Now just lie back and sleep a deep sleep my friend, wake up in the morning feeling refreshed, go to work as normal and hope that you're still very aware of what’s going on around you as you rend your work colleagues limb from sweet, tasty limb.

Top tips: How to use your arse as a plumbing tool.

Picture the scene: You've just given birth to Mr. Hankey's little brother (or his big brother, depending on whether you've just eaten a whole tub of Twiglets), you stand up and after admiring your creation you put the lid down. Now comes the flush; instead of hearing the watery swirling of victory, you hear the bone chilling gurgling of doom. Thats right people, your toilet is blocked and there's a miniature brown version of the QE2 sailing within.

What now?! i hear you cry. Well before you roll up your sleeve and have the anti-bacterial wash on standby, pack it in you dirty bastard! Thats not necessary.

Follow these steps for a bog related victory:

1) Put up the lid and also the seat. I know its hard because the jobby is staring at you but fear not, he'll be gone soon.

2) Gauge the depth of the water; ideally there is some kind of drainage which is good no matter how slow. Let the water fall so its a good 4-5" away from the top of the bowl.

3) Clean the top of the bowl with anti-bacterial wipes or similar, we don't want anything nasty touching you now do we?

4) Drop trou to expose your bare arse. This isn't going to be pleasant but you need to now sit on the bare porcelain of the toilet, i know its cold but fall in Marine! (obviously don't literally fall in).

5) Now, keeping your legs as close together as possible to form an airtight seal, slowly move up and down on the seat as if you were on a space hopper in slow motion. On the up motion take let some air in and on the down motion you are pushing the air through to shift the blockage. Basically your arse is a giant plunger. (NB. if you have a larger than normal arse, try sitting sideways).

It shouldn't take more than 30 seconds to defeat the blockage.

Disclaimer: Although this is a tried and tested method, i'm not a plumber and will not accept any responsibility if this either doesn't work, if you damage your toilet, or for that matter your arse. Oh and if you get piss water on your balls thats not my fault either.

Happy plunging my lovelies!

Morgan.

God bless America.

I'm not going to talk to you today because its the weekend and i want to chill out!

Only kidding, i've always got time for you guys (honest).

So, i've seen a few programs on tv this week and something was provoked deep inside me which compelled me to write to you all today; the view Americans have on the British.

Now this is not me instigating a hate campaign against America (there's a lot of countries who already do that shit) i actually love America and most things that come out of it, apart from of course Justin Fucking Bieber. I can't honestly list everything that is brilliant about the US but just think of all the films, the music and the food! Oh god the food. (Man vs. Food is one of my favourite shows).

Anyway back to the point. It's apparent that most Americans believe we spend all day sipping tea and listening to classical music whilst playing Polo. We all know Peers Morgan and Russel Brand personally. Oh, and who could forget the fact that 90% of us are called Hugh and we all talk like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins.

Ok, i accept that we're very stereotypical of Americans too. I was watching Hellraiser last night and thinking how fucking dumb the American guy is portrayed in that film. I mean come on, the poor bastard buys a house to live with his complete bitch of a wife, who then gets it on with his dead brother in secret. How can this bloke not realise that there's a fucking zombie living in one of the spare rooms? And people, why is the zombie not paying rent? He's missing a trick there.

Anyway, i'm gonna keep this short and sweet because i'm off to see Immortals in 3D at Cineworld and i'm gonna eat all the popcorn, hotdogs and coca cola i can get my chubby little British digits on.

Keep it real homies, 

Morgan.

Its a vicious circle.

My cat likes radiators.