The top 5 reasons why we..... OMG! ITS A ZOMBIE!!

Aha! So you've been instantly put on the back foot. There you were, expecting to read yet another tired example of "list based" comedy and what happens? A zombie puts a brick through your living room window. Yes, that’s right, a fucking zombie.

So, how will this pan out? First of all you're at a disadvantage, sat there in your favourite spot relaxing, the last thing you were expecting was the Undead paying you a visit on a lazy Sunday afternoon; unless of course you're a Texan and always poised at the window with a hunting rifle.

 What’s the first thing you have to hand? Hot cup of coffee?

"How about some nescafe, undead fiend?!"

 

"Urrrrrrrrggggghhhhhh......"

That wasn't the sound of him not enjoying some smooth roast, he wants juice instead. Your brain juice!

Unfortunately our maggot ridden friend doesn't seem the least bit concerned about the new stain on his suit, so what the hell are you going to do now? Yes! You've spotted the mirror on the wall! Now smash the mirror over the zombies head, hope that bad luck thinks the zombie smashed it and in turn causes the zombie to get bad luck so he then trips over the rug and smashes his brains all over the fire place! It's an infallible idea!

What? You've done that and he's still shuffling towards you? Fuck.

Ok so now then, you must run for the door leading upstairs, close it behind you and then barricade it with a bookcase behind it. It opens outwards?? Shit, sorry i'm panicking now.

Lets take a step back and analyse the situation. You're being attacked in your own home by a Zombie. You could try calling the Police but obviously when the undead are present, all phone lines mysteriously don't work anymore. How about you put on the movie "Land of the Dead" and hope the zombie goes and attacks George A. Romero for making it instead? You threw it away? Ok, yeah that’s understandable. Run upstairs anyway and review your options!

So now you're upstairs, i recommend going to the bathroom and looking for a can of "Zombie-be-gone" under the sink. Alright, alright this is no time for jokes, i get it!

The zombie has now moved to the foot of the stairs and he's making his way up so i suggest that you find things to throw down the stairs at him to slow him down until the army comes to save you. Yeah, they will come, i promise...

After the volley of hygene products and dirty washing, the zombie is now at the top of the stairs, with a "Goonies" t-shirt on his shoulder and a piece of your underwear on his face.

This isn't going very well is it? Well think again buster! There's a can of deodorant on the shelf and a lighter in your pocket. Remember when you used to recreate a napalm attack with the toy soldiers when you were younger? That's right, let the motherfucker burn!!!

 

So not only do you have a zombie coming for you, but you now have a fucking flaming zombie coming for you. Ok, put him out again with some toilet water.

You've played Resident Evil right? You can just simply run around him in a circle and escape back down the stairs and out the front door! If Leon can run circles around multiple zombies, so can you! Go for it!!

SO..... You're now back downstairs and nursing a pretty severe injury to your forearm from when the zombie grabbed you as you tried to run around him. I don't mean to put a downer on your already pretty shitty day, but you see your new family member coming down the stairs there? Yeah. Within 18 to 24 hours (depending on whether you're already a bit slow) you will unfortunately join the ranks of the undead. So you may as well end the suffering now and take your own life rather than be still concious when he eventually gets to you and starts to chow down.

Look at the positives:

1) No more bills to pay.
2) Crash course dieting.
3) No more need to take a shower.
4) No more queueing - everyone runs in terror.
5) Its always "All you can eat" for free at the shopping centre.

Well, i guess its not that bad after all, you should be glad that he decided to come round to see you. Now just lie back and sleep a deep sleep my friend, wake up in the morning feeling refreshed, go to work as normal and hope that you're still very aware of what’s going on around you as you rend your work colleagues limb from sweet, tasty limb.