Top tips: How to use your arse as a plumbing tool.

Picture the scene: You've just given birth to Mr. Hankey's little brother (or his big brother, depending on whether you've just eaten a whole tub of Twiglets), you stand up and after admiring your creation you put the lid down. Now comes the flush; instead of hearing the watery swirling of victory, you hear the bone chilling gurgling of doom. Thats right people, your toilet is blocked and there's a miniature brown version of the QE2 sailing within.

What now?! i hear you cry. Well before you roll up your sleeve and have the anti-bacterial wash on standby, pack it in you dirty bastard! Thats not necessary.

Follow these steps for a bog related victory:

1) Put up the lid and also the seat. I know its hard because the jobby is staring at you but fear not, he'll be gone soon.

2) Gauge the depth of the water; ideally there is some kind of drainage which is good no matter how slow. Let the water fall so its a good 4-5" away from the top of the bowl.

3) Clean the top of the bowl with anti-bacterial wipes or similar, we don't want anything nasty touching you now do we?

4) Drop trou to expose your bare arse. This isn't going to be pleasant but you need to now sit on the bare porcelain of the toilet, i know its cold but fall in Marine! (obviously don't literally fall in).

5) Now, keeping your legs as close together as possible to form an airtight seal, slowly move up and down on the seat as if you were on a space hopper in slow motion. On the up motion take let some air in and on the down motion you are pushing the air through to shift the blockage. Basically your arse is a giant plunger. (NB. if you have a larger than normal arse, try sitting sideways).

It shouldn't take more than 30 seconds to defeat the blockage.

Disclaimer: Although this is a tried and tested method, i'm not a plumber and will not accept any responsibility if this either doesn't work, if you damage your toilet, or for that matter your arse. Oh and if you get piss water on your balls thats not my fault either.

Happy plunging my lovelies!

Morgan.