The Twelve Days of Christmas part Six.

"On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."

"Six Geese a-laying, some more gold rings for Sonic and further feathered cannon fodder for the war!"

"This is Lufty Van Arsewinkle, reporting for RSPB news. There has been a grim discovery today; a mass grave of Geese a-laying down dead. In total, six bodies were recovered which tells further stories of the terror that has befallen the Pear Tree. We can only hope that these war atrocities will not go unanswered. In the coming days, we hope to...."

 "SHIT!!!!"

"This is Wing Commander Tarkin, all birds FIRE AT WILL!!"

The Twelve Days of Christmas part five.

"On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."

"Five gold rings and a bunch of shit she already gave me the other four days!"

Meanwhile on Planet Mobius...

"Five measly gold rings? Are you fucking kidding me? At this rate I'll have to save up and see if i have enough to get an extra life in the January sales!"

"And i wish you'd get an Xbox, you look ridiculous." 

 

The Twelve Days of Christmas part Four.

"On the fourth day of christmas, my true love gave to me..."

"Four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree!"

"Good evening, I'm Lufty Van Arsewinkle reporting live behind enemy lines for RSPB news. After a further day of intense fighting, the turtle doves and partridges have brought in more reinforcements to try and gain control of the pear tree. 3 french hens battalion are severely overwhelmed and are conceding heavy casualties as they attempt to resolve the conflict. Just hours ago, my colleagues and I came under heavy fire from a turtle dove bombing squadron, and unfortunately a member of the film crew got a bit of shit on his shoulder. We will bring you more top stories as they come in. Lufty Van Arsewinkle, reporting for RSPB news."


Oh, and here's the four calling birds:

  "SANDRA!! Where are you?! We're off to the takeaway now!!"

The Twelve Days of Christmas part three.

"On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."

"Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves and a Patridge in a Pear tree!"

 "Dave just text me, he'll be 15 mins late." 

So, as the Battle of the Pear tree rages on, Three French Hens battallion of the UN peace keeping force are brought in to try and resolve the conflict. Now despite their name, these are no ordinary birds! The average male of the species has a cock that weighs, wait for it, up to 5kg (check out the table half way down this page.)

We'll keep you updated on the latest news as it comes in.

The Twelve Days of Christmas part two.

"On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."

"Two Turtle Doves and a Patridge in a Pear tree!"

"You seen a Partridge around here?"

WAR! 

What sort of a nutter would give you a partridge in a pear tree one day, only to give you yet another one the next day, complete with two turtle doves? You're just asking for trouble.

Both factions would be vying to control the pear tree which would set the scene for many years of bloody conflict. Are the pears even worth dying for?

The twelve days of Christmas Part one.

"On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..."

"A Partridge in a pear tree!"

"Get out of my fucking tree Coogan!"

Advantages of receiving such a gift:

1) Your faithful Partridge will fend off any ninjas attempting to steal your pears.

2) Any visitors to your pear tree are met with a warm Partridge welcome.

3) Your Partridge will never feel lonely due to its fruity companions.

4) Your Partridge will have a constant supply of food.

5) You won't have to tell the guys at work that you got socks and a Celine Dion CD for christmas.

WE'RE ALL DOOMED!

Good day to you all, i'm sure you've all got smashing blouses on. The following post is recycled from my old website so i've blown the dust away and repaired its dog eared edges.

What? I'm allowed to do that!

Sorry to drop a shitter on you all, but this is the beginning of your last year on Planet Earth, apparently. The end of the world should already have happened however, thanks to the ramblings of Absinthe soaked idiots from centuries past. So, how can we be so sure that this time around we will actually go bye bye? Lets look at some of the possibilities:
 
1) The sun

Over the past 10 years, scientists have been concerned by the fact that our old buddy, the sun, has been very quiet. Now, how an unbelievably massive nuclear fusion reactor can go quiet, i have no fucking idea. There has been less 'sun spots' present, but you ask any adolescent and an absence of spots is great. Anyway, i digress.
So, its understood that the sun is actually building up to something big (think of Ryu charging up his Hadouken) and it will go apeshit crazy late in 2012.
Think of the massive solar flares that knocked out satellites and fried the national grid earlier this year. What? that didn't actually happen? i thought they said it would? Oh well anyway the sun is going to give us that, plus 50% more which will cause:

1) Powerlines to overload and start fires all over the world.

2) World wide communications to be knocked out and smaller infrastructures to have no air conditioning
.
3) Satellites to come out of orbit and start falling to earth.

4) It will also get a bit warmer.

Think of the bit at the beginning of Terminator 2:

 Wish you brought the sun block now don't you?

And then thats when the machines will take over the world! Haha, im just kidding. You're all still fucked though.

Rational Interdiction:

The life cycle of the sun is about the same as Joan Rivers, 10 billion years, and it's roughly only half the way through that according to astronomers. There is no chance of it just exploding for no reason at all and its been said that the sun is not on schedule anyway; the solar storms will probably come in and around 2014. Don't start racking up the £10,000 debts just yet.


2) Direct collision with Planet x

Thats right, you heard me! About 10 years ago, a woman claimed to have been given the co-ordinates of an unknown planet commonly referred to as 'Planet X' but also known as 'Nibiru' which is on a collision course with Earth! Fuckbeans!

Nancy Lieder claims to have been contacted by an alien race, the Zetas, who have put an implant in her brain and tell her crazy shit from time to time.

 
 Nancy was told by the Zetas that Planet X was due to pass by Earth in 2003, very, very closely. Now apparently Planet X is roughly four times the size of the Earth and a pass by at such a proximity would cause the Earths rotation to stop for almost a week! This would lead to the Earth suffering from a 'Pole shift' .."caused by magnetic attraction between the Earth's core and the magnetism of the passing planet".
This would totally fuck up the Earths magnetic core and cause the continents to be disrupted which would lead to the destruction of humanity. Think of when you order a pizza and when its delivered, the fucking idiot of a delivery guy has left your 'Pork Supreme' on the back seat at an angle and the topping has fallen off.

Obviously this didn't happen.

So Planet X is now a bit miffed that it was late and has decided to crash into us totally, annihilating all of humankind and also David Cameron. Due to the total size difference we'll probably just splat on the face of it like a bug on the windscreen of a car.


Rational Interdiction:

What sort of a fucking 'Planet' has the ability to fly through space and time to any solar system it wants? And even if it were true, you'd be able to look up at the night sky and see a giant sphere of doom hurtling towards us. Oh sorry Nancy, does it have a cloaking device too? Is that why we can't see it? Lets face it, Nancy Lieder is the sort of woman you'd find at a supermarket dairy aisle shouting at the cheese.


3) So what, you dick? Nostradamus predicted it too!

Oh yes! Nostradamus also predicted Planet X ..."From the sky will come a great King of Terror". I am in no way suggesting that Nancy Lieder was influenced in anyway by this. However, Nostradamus predicted the 'Pole shift' theory which won't totally destroy mankind but it will bring about the beginning of world war 3, with China being the superpower anRational Interdiction!!!:

Shut the fuck up with the Nostradumbass bullshit! Sorry to cut this one short, but i've always wanted a chance to wade into this guy.
So, five hundred years ago some French "Doctor" started fucking about with drugs to "protect against the plague", his wife and child then die from the plague, so then he realises he needs a career change because he's shit at what he does. Thats fine, we all need a change, change is good. But to then claim that you're a Seer and to start writing books full of so called prophecies is a bridge too far my friend.
You can even have a go at being a modern day Nostradamus yourself, just write a short paragraph of utter bollocks, leave it in the attic in a dusty old chest and in years to come someone will stumble across it and think they've discovered ancient writings of a long gone prophet. Here is my prophecy:
 

And in the north the great beast will awaken,
he will stumble upon vast riches in the east.
Fire will rain down from the skies,
and er.... etc.

Something will happen many years from now that will vaguely resemble that, if you're drunk, and i shall be proclaimed a phophet. Its kind of like another book that was written a long time ago that millions of people all over the world beleive in nowadays, but we won't go into that right now.


4) The Large Hadron Collider

Built by the European Organisation for Nuclear Research or CERN, the Large Hadron Collider (LHC for short) lies in an underground tunnel that is 27Km in circumference somewhere near Geneva. I don't profess to know much about the advanced theories of physics, but this thing collides particles at near the speed of light so we can understand how they react with eachother, or some shit like that.
Its been argued that all sorts of bad Juju could happen with this, especially when you look at the fact that 9 days after it first came online, operations were halted due to a "serious fault". Don't mess about with stuff like this if it can go wrong!!
One theory is that there is a slight chance that a mini black hole may form underneath the Earths surface. What could be bad about that i hear you ask? Let me reiterate "a mini black hole may form underneath the Earths surface"!! The Earth and its entire contents would be compacted down to the size of a football.

 A football could represent an actual size model of the Earth if this happened.

Also known as a "soccer" ball for our American friends.

There is also a slight chance that a portal to another dimension could be opened, thus allowing extra-dimensional demons to pour out of it and kick the living shit out of us all. Plus the fact that all the lost souls will also spew forth upon the world and inhabit the corpses of the recently deceased which will cause a zombie outbreak. This right here is the moment i have been waiting for ALL MY LIFE. Ever played Doom? NO? well i suggest you get on it right now and get some practice in so at least you've got a fighting chance when the legions of hell come for you.

Rational Interdiction:

No, he's right actually. Be afraid.


5) The Mayans reckon it will.

The Mayans were an ancient and intellgent race that are the main basis for why people are convinced that the world will end in 2012. Its said that their calendar goes no further than 2012 and this suggests that the world will end in December of that year.
There is a graphic that was created by the Mayans called the "Dresden Codex"  which is dated circa 1100 that depicts an earth destroyed by floods and crazy shit like that.

This is a part of the Dresden Codex:

Artists impression.

However there is still no solid evidence of how the Mayans thought the world would end, just the fact that "it will, so there."
The really bad news then is the fact that it could actually be any of the above or infact a mixture of them all. It would be the biggest disaster since the Batman movie franchise was handed over to Joel Schumacher.
 
Rational Interdiction:

Oh no! The calendar ends in December 2012 LIKE EVERY OTHER FUCKING CALENDAR OUT THERE. This is why there will be a calendar starting from January 2013 waiting in the shop for you to buy, which is why calendar making is and always has been, a very successful business model.
There was no reason for the Mayans to have calendars that went this far into the future because they're all fucking dead now.

The world won't end in 2012, we're just not that lucky.